Fear and Anxiety

I’ve always heard one of the most stressful things a person can do is look for a new job. I think most of us would agree that the process is has earned a top spot on the list. Now add a global pandemic. The stress levels soars to unimaginable heights.

It’s one thing to be aware of how stressful the process is. I was prepared for the stress of the unknown. At least, I thought I was.

If you’ve read any of my posts or know me at all, you know I’m less than 5 months from retirement from a 30 year career in education. In the past year, I’ve been setting myself up, preparing for my next career. I’ve been doing the right things, taking the right steps.

Prospects were looking great in late October, early November. My support network was growing and I was applying for jobs that excited me. I was working remotely as an instructional technology specialist in my school system, staying close to home. By the end of November, I had landed two contract training positions for two separate edtech companies, and had great prospects for two other opportunities. My confidence in the path I was on was high and my anxiety was low.

Now, it’s late January. Despite the growing number of positive COVID cases, hospitalizations and deaths in my area, coupled with the lack of vaccinations for teachers and staff, my school system has decided to send us back into the building. In two weeks, I’ll be forced back into a building that I don’t feel safe in.

I know opening schools is a hot topic and I also firmly believe that it is important to get students back into schools. I also strongly believe that it should be done only when it is SAFE.

I was in a school building for 2 months while our COVID numbers were at the lower ends of the spectrum. While our administration and staff tried to put all safety mitigations into place, it never felt like enough. I won’t get into specifics, but being in the school building spawned anxiety attacks like I hadn’t ever encountered.

I’m dreading going back. I’m scared for myself and my family. I am not sleeping. When I do sleep, I’m grinding my teeth so badly that my gums are swelling. The headaches I experienced in the fall have returned. The fear and anxiety are impacting my health.

I would love to buy back the 5 months I have left (I have lots of sick leave accumulated!) and retire today, but I don’t have the jobs I need lined up. While one of my contracting jobs is moving forward pretty well, but I’m not quite ready to venture out on my own yet. The second position has stagnated and the company doesn’t seem too eager to engage me. Much of the time, my emails are left unanswered and I have no direction at all. The other two opportunities didn’t work out. So, I can’t walk away yet.

The fear and anxiety of the transition back to a school building without any alternative path open right now is frightening. I’m having a hard time with it.

I started this blog to share my journey and to give support and hope to other educators who are making the transition from education into a new career path. I know others share similar anxieties and fears. We are not alone. Others have walked this road, and yet more are on it with us. That knowledge might not lessen the anxiety, but hopefully make us feel less alone.